IC Contact Post [Hadriel]

[mismanagement]

This is Maketh Tua. State your business.

Comments

[mismanagement]

That is acceptable.

[She can endure an hour. It's not long at all. If needed, she can recite training manuals in her head. Perhaps work on improving the design Hux is suffering over. And if it doesn't hurt - Maketh feels certain it will hurt, somehow - then that--

That will be that. ]

[lifetothefullest]

Then let's begin.

[Here goes nothing. He'd gone over how to start the session mentally more than once throughout the day, but things rarely go as they've been practiced; still, he at least knows how to start.]

Since this wasn't an ordered or mandated session, there must be something in particular--or even something broad--that is bothering you enough to want to speak with someone about it. Why don't we start with that?

[mismanagement]

It was requested that I do this. I gave my word.

[Maketh narrows her eyes, suddenly certain he's going to mock her. She forces herself to breathe through it. Do not make yourself a threat, soldier. You promised. She exhales sharply.]

I am trying not to be an Imperial anymore. I want to be something else.

[lifetothefullest]

[He is definitely not going to mock her; he saves his mocking for when he's not working, and doesn't do it about patients.]

Alright. What does being an Imperial mean to you? What is it about being one that makes you want to be something else?

[He remembers what she told him at the ball, but he'd like her to go through explaining it again and preferably elaborate a bit more. It'd be good for her to have a solid idea in her mind, and repeating it helps with that.]

[mismanagement]

That I follow Imperial protocols.

[That feels too obvious an answer, though. Not really what he means. Maketh frowns. It's more than the uniform. Even Hux recognized what she was and his First Order supposedly came from the death of the Empire.]

That everything is a tool I can either utilize or break.

[It's said rather flatly. Maketh doesn't look at Sweets. She looks at the place beyond his chair. There's a crack in the wall. She wonders what caused it.]

I scare people. I don't--it's very easy to hurt them. I want to do something good for these people. But it is difficult. I don't think like them.

[lifetothefullest]

[Indeed, the Imperial protocols thing means nothing to Lance really, but the rest of what she says does. He watches her carefully as she speaks, looking for an indication that she's being anything but honest, but he doesn't see anything.

This is a good thing. This sort of self-awareness is important, even though he's heard the part about wanting to protect the people of Hadriel before at the ball, and he's still unsure about how idea of what that means. But that's something to work out as a part of these meetings.

For now, he'll just focus on the part she said.]

Can you explain why you have this outlook, about using or breaking everything?

[He thinks he knows the answer because of other things she's said before, but that isn't the point; the point is for her to work it out. He's actually pretty sure she already knows the answer, but wants to be sure.]

[mismanagement]

It was required of me.

[She thins her mouth, not a smile.]

That was the first lesson at the Academy. Everything is expendable. Everyone can be used. You are nothing if you cannot realize that.

[And like before, she recites it verbatim. The instructors preferred it when they did that. Got every word exactly right.]

And if you are nothing, you will die. An easy lesson.

[lifetothefullest]

[Right, that fits with what he knows so far, and he gives a small nod; again, it's good that she can answer so clearly, although his next question might be a little more difficult.]

Do you agree with that lesson?

[mismanagement]

[Maketh twitches a little.]

Sometimes. Most of the time. It's difficult not to.

[Thoughts start spiraling in her head if she doesn't. Bad memories. Possibilities and endless what-ifs.

She's quiet for a long moment.]

I have people that I care for. Not soldiers. Not at all. And their lives matter. But in the moment, if I'm not careful, I see them as tools. Do you understand?

[Maketh hopes so, because she doesn't.]

[lifetothefullest]

[It's not the best answer, but it isn't an unexpected or unreasonable one. It's also one that makes a dent in his original concerns about Maketh's outlook, because he does understand this even if she might not.

Lance chooses his words carefully, keeping his voice neutral and clinical while still sympathetic; it's important to maintain distance, even--and especially--when he can empathize instead of sympathize.]

Survival mechanisms can be difficult to unlearn, even when they're no longer necessary or beneficial. But it is possible, if that's something you want to do.

[mismanagement]

This is done in your world?

[She doesn't mean it to sound so hopeful.]

[lifetothefullest]

[It would be difficult not to catch the change in her tone, but he doesn't comment on it.]

Yes. There are no miracle cures, and it's sometimes a long process, but it's entirely possible.

[mismanagement]

[That's what Emily said. Sometimes it takes years. A lifetime. Maketh considers this a moment. How much time does she have, really? Maybe not enough to change herself in the ways that matter. But maybe enough to try, just a little.

She promised to try. So she will.]

I see.

[She nods, meeting his eyes briefly.]

Then I will try.

[lifetothefullest]

[He smiles a little, finally, because he believes she means it. And that's the best start that can be hoped for.

Now he has to decide whether to keep on this track or back up slightly and return to working out a few others, but he thinks this is the most important one and potentially the root of several issues. Therefore he decides to stay focused here for now, quickly thinking over what she's said and what techniques he knows in order to figure out where to begin.]

Okay, you said you have people you care for, yet find yourself thinking this way about. I'd like you to think of one of them, and you don't have to name them, but tell me two positive things about them that are completely unrelated to how beneficial or useful they might be.

[mismanagement]

[Something in Maketh balks at that almost immediately - she cannot possibly betray the people she loves and sharing information of that nature is certainly a betrayal - but she swallows it down. It takes a moment. Her throat hurts. She breathes through it.

Focus. Don't be foolish.]

They're clever. Much smarter than anyone knows.

[Emily is so very clever.]

And honest. Even when they shouldn't be.

[lifetothefullest]

[He watches her reaction carefully, trying to read the reason for it, but whatever it is she seems to move past it and offers two very good answers.]

Great. Take a moment to think about those two things and remember that you chose them. In the future, whenever you catch yourself thinking about that person's worth in terms of their usefulness, remind yourself of what you said about them here and how much more important these traits that you told me are. Can you try to do that?

[mismanagement]

[Maketh frowns. What if the situation requires her to think in stark terms? What then?]

Yes. I can try.

[lifetothefullest]

[He sees that frown, and decides this is as good a moment as any to begin prying a little.]

You seem to have hesitations about that idea.

[mismanagement]

There are situations when you cannot think like that.

[Maketh twitches a little. Forces her hands to lay flat.]

It slows you down.

[lifetothefullest]

That's true, and if it's an emergency then do whatever you feel is necessary at the time. This exercise is more about breaking the pattern in thinking, something which is worked on over time.

[So not doing it in the midst of a situation in which reaction speed is important is fine, it's more about long-term changes in behavior.]

[mismanagement]

Oh.

[That's better, then. It doesn't compromise her situational awareness. Won't slow her down in an emergency. Maketh nods slowly.]

That is acceptable.

[lifetothefullest]

[Alright, that's a good start on that front, at least. He decides that's enough for her to keep in mind on this exact subject for the moment, so it's time to address another part of what she said.]

You mentioned that you scare people. Is that something purposeful, or is it something you would rather not do?

[mismanagement]

It just happens. [Maketh frowns.] I don't understand why. But it isn't---useful.

[It makes people see her as a threat.]

[lifetothefullest]

That's something we can work on then, too.

[And it'll probably be a lot easier and have more immediate results, which will hopefully be encouraging for Maketh.]

Scaring people--or not doing so--is mostly determined by body language, tone, and what you say, so it's a matter of identifying and then controlling those mannerisms that make you appear intimidating.

[mismanagement]

[Maketh considers him a moment.]

You saw me as a threat. I didn't intend that, in the beginning. What did I do wrong?

[It's asked with genuine curiosity.]